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Close your eyes. Take deep breathes. Count to a hundred Mississippi. Look into your heart and let it guide you. That’s what his therapist says, every time he has one of those panic attacks. It works most of the times. Sometimes he just feels lost and even the therapist doesn’t seem to understand. He’d diagnosed him with OCD . Fancy, right? He’d told his mother he’d be fine but day by day he was getting worse . He read all the article’s he could find on obsessive compulsive disorder, but he couldn’t find the answers he was looking for. He was sick ,but that wasn’t it. His therapist had advised against self diagnosis and his mom wouldn’t let him change therapists so he was stuck with Mr know it all,great just great.

He had limerence. He was obsessive. His limerence object well, she was beautiful, stunning even. He tried to bring the topic up with his therapist but he dismissed it. “We talked about self diagnosis” He knew what he felt. He didn’t want to hurt anyone let alone himself. It was weird. He felt selflessly and irrevocably attracted to her. He stalked her everywhere. She never found out. He felt the need to be close to her, always.  They had met at a benefit. One look at her and he knew he needed her. He got her number and it that was the beginning of the end. They were fine until he discovered he was sick. He wanted to get better. He’d have to stay away from her. She wouldn’t understand. She’d think he had ghosted her. She’d be mad at him. She’d have questions, the problem would be that he wouldn’t have answers. She’d think she needed closure probably because of those quotes she’s always reading. She’d write him those long text with a read more. He wouldn’t answer. Maybe if he let her down slowly She’d give up and move on.

There’s a difference between love and obsession. Obsession is dangerous and it’s definitely not love. And love, well love is kind and what the apostle Paul says in Corinthians. He knew his presence would only bring her problems, it would only hurt her because with obsession came jealousy and all sort of psychotic traits. He’d only bring her pain and she’d start to think he was sick in the head. Which he was but he wasn’t as sick. He knew time would come when he wouldn’t be sick. What would happen when he was no longer obsessed with her. Clearly they would be no feelings. He didn’t want her to feel like he’d stopped loving her because to be honest he’d never loved her to begin with. As I said there’s a difference. That’s why he wanted her gone, far from him. He didn’t want her thinking he was selfish to be with her just to feed his obsession. He’d let her think whatever she wanted to think of him. At least then she wouldn’t blame him if her heart broke. She’d probably be happy with some other guy. And he’d work on himself, on getting better. He’d choose himself over her, over and over again. He’d choose to love himself before he learnt to love her. Because sometimes, your mental health matters more than other people’s feelings.

My favourite writer <over at musafidelmusa> wrote that if you fall in love with a writer you will never die. Then Kadambari came along and wrote ” falling in love with a writer, be warned for you invite a wrath on your senses. Writers are mad creatures ,they creep under the multiple folds of the blanket that your skin is, unearth the raw soul inside, pour it all into their words and thrive in that chaos of despair, the ones even you want to hide. But  somewhere in the pit of chaos, is an ocean of love, waiting for you. Unearth that, and the writer is yours for the taking, till words stop making sense.” So my mind started playing tricks on me. Giving wild ideas to send this” I like you” text to someone and probably send him kadambaris words so he might know how lucky he is😂. And maybe Musa’s so he knows I come with advantages😹😹😹😹😹 .3am thoughts had me I sweeeyaaa.

Just tell him, you won’t die. So this words probably go through girls minds a million times. For me the right question should be ” will you survive “ let’s take this slow. Have you ever been rejected before? Let alone by a human being, a dog or any other let for instance. How did it feel? did you go numb? Were you angry? did you let it go cus it was no big deal? Lucky you if you were already scared of say dogs and they rejected you, cause that’s a win for you. I know someone is already thinking men are dogs so if they reject you it’s no biggy. Sis siiiiiiiiisssss cut that notion.

I’m listening to Simi and Ladipoe’s know you as I write this piece. Made me think of my crush. I told someone that the day I contract Corona Virus I’d call my crush and tell them I liked them but I’m dying so…They laughed, I think they thought it was crazy. I like being dramatic, so yeah even when in a crisis I’d want to do like its done in the movies. With all the isolation and no visiting corona patients I think it would be the best situation. At least you’re already rejected by society and that one person’s rejection won’t hit.

Last time I went shopping, I bought sanitizer, detergents and whole lot paper towels. I keep social distance, I never forget to wash my hands, I wear my mask and I rarely go out. So dear crush, the heart is willing but the body😹😹😹😹😹😹😹 ngooriiii. My crush is probably reading this, yikes.

How did I come to this conclusion? Good question. I think I’ve been stuck in the talking stage for way too long , most people are. Bruh you didn’t get my number to keep stalling, what is wrong with people? So I support the men are damn parade, if there’s such a thing. Women though, I admit our signals are abit mixed up but can’t men just find their way around them. My friend keeps telling me that if she has one more talking stage she might just burst. I think at this point someone should just call and say, I like you, or maybe text or something, shy people need a code word though😹. I think we’re all just talking and its paused or maybe it’s on repeat. We don’t move and if we move its just backwards. I hate it. How do we move from talking everyday every minute ,to sometimes, to once whenever. If you  hit someone up, table your intentions sometimes playing games gets tiring .I hate that people loose interest or are scared to show interest. Shoot your shot naniii, this June is too cold.

Santorini, Greece. One of the many destinations I’d love to visit. I think the view of the Aegean sea is great from there. Talking of Greece, I’ve been invested in Greek mythology recently. Particularly the one on Narcissus. Narcissus was distinguished for his beauty and the fact that he rejected the nymph Echo which drew upon him the vengeance of the gods. One summer  he went to a pool ( lured by the goddess Nemesis). In the pool he saw himself in the bloom of youth. He didn’t realize that that was merely his own reflection and fell deeply in love with it. He was unable to leave the allure of his image and eventually he realized that his love could not be reciprocated so he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him and he turned into a gold and white flower.

Love yourself they say. But what if you become so self absorbed you forget about the world around you. Narcissus was self absorbed and look where that got him, on the brighter side he turned into a flower soo💁. I’ve tried so many things this quarantine. I even had a motto,” Do what makes you happy .” So yeah there I was loving myself and probably living my best life. The usual: drink alot of water, exercise, get enough sleep, write, work hard, watch a whole lot of movies, try new recipes, do my own hair and whatever it is you can imagine. I was happy or so I thought. See I was a sucker for attention a while back. Most people are. Somehow you want people to notice you, to know where you at, what you’re doing, what you plan to do, what’s  Poppin. And somehow some of us grow out of it, just like I did. I bumped into the self love theory on YouTube. I watch too much of that. This girl said she got her skin to glow by loving herself ,same with her butt. Something about being comfortable on her own skin. Contradicting right? Suddenly I didn’t care about attention from people anymore, I wanted to learn about myself, to get close to myself. Oooh and  I got close. I even realised I had talents and no I still can’t dance.

While I was busy loving myself, the ground was shifting. I’d wake up early and stay in my room. Working on things. I hate mornings conversations they don’t end up well for me. So I avoided my dear quarantine partner. I’d over hear him say bye and good day as he left. I never answered. This one particular day I over slept. I didn’t hear him. And that evening I got a call. It was from him dude, don’t freak out. I got you there, didn’t I? He said he was involved in an accident. I was struck. I thought he was at a hospital or something. He wasn’t. So I finally snapped out of it. I could have lost my dad and have no idea what he was wearing. I realised I couldn’t love myself without having the people who make me me around. So think again before you become so self absorbed and detached from society you forget human beings coexist.

Ever felt alone , scared maybe? Have you ever drowned? Well I have. You feel helpless and for those who succumb maybe they just let go or maybe it’s suicide planned by their souls. That time I drowned I got my ears damaged. It got me thinking I’d go deaf. I had medication, ear drops and antibiotics. I never taken meds so seriously in my life😹. For the first time in a long time I wanted to listen not just hear. A cry for help. Does that sound familiar? Well I haven’t gotten a chance to hear that or maybe I’m just not keen on patterns.

She was always on her phone. Surfing the Internet, chatting on calls or whatever it is people do on phones. She’d give it too much attention. She had a ringtone for everything, notifications from different apps, calls, messages you name it. The only thing she’d chill before she took was a phone call. She didn’t want to seem desperate or as some people may say idle. She would reply instantly to texts, and her reply would always be long. Who in the world was she giving this much attention to? Who was she talking to on the phone for hours? What made her update her socials? She would smile all the time when she was on her phone. She seemed happy and happiness is all that matters, right?

At some point she just stopped.  No more phone, just like that. She didn’t delete her socials, she just didn’t feel like it anymore. She didn’t reply to messages, she didn’t pick up calls,she didn’t sent or open snaps, she didn’t post. Was she ghosting? Normally it would probably be her boyfriend had dumped her and she just wanted to chill and blow some steam. Maybe she lost her phone or on a different circumstance she had bundle problems. Her parents thanked heavens she was over her addiction.

I once had the ” are you ok ” conversation with my sister. She asked how I was and I was like ” yeah sure”. She was like “phweeks cause that’s all I got” so that’s how we live around here.                  See her parents were raised indigenously. Typically African. They never asked her how she felt. The depression topic is a very rare one in some homes and in this particular one it never came up. She was the silent type, could be dangerous. Her friends called and called until they got fed up. Shutting people out was a talent of hers. She felt detached. She couldn’t talk to anyone about it, they wouldn’t understand.

Her diary was her best friend. She’d put down everything she felt on it. Writing helps, sometimes. The problem was the dairy couldn’t talk back. She hid it. She didn’t want anyone reading it. Privacy and all. She also painted, most of the time. Canvases have a way of expressing emotions. Her parents loved her paintings,  they’d say she was talented. They never looked closely, if paintings could talk then maybe shed be saved. In a world full of people only a diary and canvasses heard her cry for help. The people she had met, the once she had lived, with none of them noticed how cagey she had become😿. And one day she was gone, drowned in herself.

I wonder what it’s like to be whole, to be comfortable in your own skin, to look in the mirror and see perfection, to know what you want, to live life to the fullest, to not care what people say, to not worry who might stub you in the back and when, to have friends who will stand by you no matter what, to have good mental health and to be happy. This might get you thinking I’m pretty messed up, you may think am either broken hearted or depressed. Never have I ever met a person who had it all, there’s always something missing😏.

I woke up today feeling positive but as I was washing my face that changed. I looked in the mirror. Daamn, who that??? As you would imagine I even got face scrub, just to do the trick. I didn’t feel pretty today. Maybe it’s because of the headscarf I had on, so I removed it or maybe it’s  cause I had just woken up. For a minute there, I just stared into the mirror, confused. What will happen when I get married? Will I wake up earlier just to wash my face and do my makeup or whatever it is that will make me feel prettier? Will I wear my makeup to sleep? Will I never use a headscarf? It’s frustrating

The other day it was acne. I managed to get makeup to cover it up. I’ve been surfing the internet for ways to clear my face😿. It all started with a pimple. I was thirteen, too young, and even then I didn’t let it go. I knew it was adolescence, but seriously how long does it take. I’m 21 now🙄 ,shouldn’t my face be clear💆. When either of my parents find me in the bathroom doing this ” ukarabati” they say ‘ Mutheu stop, you are beautiful’ ,but how do I tell them I don’t feel beautiful?

On Tuesday I was pretty, I felt it. I took countless selfies. I even face timed someone. There was a guy, he said he thought I’m really beautiful. I blushed, literally. I had to excuse myself. These restaurants always have mirrors in the lady’s room. So I took a long look at myself. I smiled. I could see what he saw. He raised my spirit I wish he had known. And maybe you think he was just flirting, but whatever it was got to me😄.

Maybe beauty has days or maybe it’s all about perception. I don’t really know. Some days I wonder what happened to my face during the night and sometimes I am stunned by the beauty of my own face. Compliments do get to me at times and at times I don’t really believe them. I may use makeup on occasion, filters on all my pictures or sometimes just pop up as I am💃. So mirror mirror on the wall, how is it that whenever I look at myself I look different😥.